Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament