Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again