Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?