i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.