I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.