Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?