At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am