you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Two words: blizzard sex
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
