She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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