I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.