Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.