fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.