Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start