Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.