We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.