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if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
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