Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.