If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.