Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.