there is another microwave in the elevator.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.