All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.