Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.