I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We are all done wearing pants today
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study