what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.