I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.