They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
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Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life