I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?