Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
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The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.