Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car