Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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