i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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