Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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