This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....