You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.