i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks