We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt