you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
