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i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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