Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New York (315)

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  That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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  (315): That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge. http://tfl.nu/kztm
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  why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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  (315): why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall? http://tfl.nu/qv4b
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  Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

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  (315): Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end. http://tfl.nu/1db0
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  well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her

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  (315): well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her http://tfl.nu/gcpo
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  can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...

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  (315): can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits... http://tfl.nu/8lcs
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  at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache

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  (315): at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache http://tfl.nu/jjc2
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  I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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  (315): I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy" http://tfl.nu/ekfn
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  just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again

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  (315): just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again http://tfl.nu/dkz6
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  yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.

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  (315): yo dibs on the gosselin haired one. http://tfl.nu/wh5x
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  mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'

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  (315): mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes' http://tfl.nu/oh7r
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  it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.

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  (315): it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right. http://tfl.nu/vsow
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  There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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  (315): There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy http://tfl.nu/q2vq
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  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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  (315): He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like. http://tfl.nu/nq61
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  I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?

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  (315): I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here? http://tfl.nu/pgo7
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