Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.