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I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
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