His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth