When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
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Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
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You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.