Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
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Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
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he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.