He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
BRING THE BAGELS
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0