I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
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She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?