When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does