I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Someone shit on the floor
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.