If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.