I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again