WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.