Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?