Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!