These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.