I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.