Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
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I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.