I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match