At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life