Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?