So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
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I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.