I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money