You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.