If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!