I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
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I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
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he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...