Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old