I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.