This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C