You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.