Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
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Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."