Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
i know! what is this dateline?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom