Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her