Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect