remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
