she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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